Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
