Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
