There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
