Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think I won the penis lottery.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
