I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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