Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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