Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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