I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
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