Already got asked if we're dating
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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