Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
