ugly people sure do ruin things
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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