You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
