His hands were made for my vagina.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
