I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
