Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Mom said you looked used
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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