would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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