you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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