How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
