Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Green mimosas i think yes
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
