k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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