3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
