there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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