Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
