So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
