My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize