they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
