You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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