Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
