i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize