I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
