My entire life is one complicated drinking game
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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