Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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