Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
