i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Everclear isn't food dammit
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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