I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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