Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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