listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
