I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
