need another drink. this is the easiest way
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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