Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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