i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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