i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
