Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Let's get the cat blown out
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
