When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
