Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
