How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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