Having a random hookup so left but love u
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
