She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
