I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize