I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
