Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
