I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
