I can text with my tongue
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
