I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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