So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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