Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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