I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
my poor anus
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
