He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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