This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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