She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
