I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize