threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
sarcasm needs its own font
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
