I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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